To Be or Not To Be?

Okay this title may sound a bit far to too theatrical for its content, but it might be worth the read.

The fall semester ended and I had virtually made up my mind not to to apply for an RA position. I figured it might be unnecessary since I was turned down 2years ago. Coming back this semester, I noticed one of my friends who had been admitted to medical school was an RA once. I began to notice it was the trend with all my other friends and medical school prospects. Definitely, this got me thinking about my previous decision. I hurried and checked that the deadlines for application had not passed. My hopes were up again but I had another priority.

I was hoping to do some research work over summer (now this I enjoy very much), so I had to start getting the applications in order and completed. Meanwhile,I had a week till the deadline to RA application. By the time I was done and placing more attention on the RA application, I hit a road block. I was required to submit a recommendation from my RA. This was impossible because I had moved off campus the previous summer to provide a more stable situation (being an international student and moving around when school is out). No doubt, this did not turn me down because I am pretty insistent. I dug underground and finally got confirmation that it would be okay to have any other faculty member I work closely with to fill this position.

So here I am sitting in from of my desk on a Saturday evening,...... applications are due the coming Monday. And I ask myself: "to be or not to be?"

To Be:
Really, it would not hurt to try. RA positions are a great props for medical school admissions. There are surplus skills to be learned, and the experience is fun and unparalleled. If my Economics class is teaching me anything this semester, the great benefit of this is the stipend and the stipend that comes with this. After I was put on hold on the first application, I am sure I did a lot of developing and growing,....... but is this what I really want and what I should be after?

Not To Be:
Huge, huge time commitment. I have quite a hard time as it is with all my extra lab classes and co-curricular activities. There are other requirements too. I simply cannot fail. And it will be my final/ senior year. Perhaps there should be other things on my priority list.
Besides, I am forced to ask the the real reason why I am applying for this position......
If I got someone to write a recommendation, I am sure it will not be the best ( who gives good recommendations when you ask at the dying minute?) and spoil my chances anyway.

What will I choose? the result will be out tomorrow, and I know no matter what choice I make, I will regret it.

Praise for a raise

Many kids like me are brought up in a fairly humble or religious background, where certain basic values have to be instilled in you. One of those is humility, a tough on to deal with. For me, this meant that I put people before me when necessary, am considerate, and mostly not boastful about my good side as such. In other words, paying myself compliments was near impossibility. I hated to look vain. Recently though, my thoughts have been straying from the norm, compelled by recent happenings common at this stage of my life. I am increasingly faced with the struggle of where to draw a line between the norm and necessity. Recently, I lost a job and I will say it is partly credited to this fact. i got in a misunderstanding which led my managers to take the rash decision. Feeling confident and innocent, I appealed to higher forces for a review. When called upon, I was asked the question that I believe led to the final negative decision; "why do u think we should give you another chance?" my words were little. Thinking back at that incident again while I was listening to a seminar reiterating the essence of the personal statement of a med-school application, I realize that I was so uncomfortable in judging myself or ever commenting myself in public even when I had the absolute right to. I think about standing in front of authority and saying "I am the best, I am diligent,..." etc and the very thought that comes to my mind is doubt. How can I say that? How can I be sure there is no one else? What if the other person is better and i end up not being on point? There is so much responsibility that comes with self acclamation and I may be scared of that.

I want to go to medical school so bad. I want to be involved in research so bad. I want to succeed and I want to be given the opportunity. Nobody knows this as well as I do, no one knows my true strenghts and weaknesses but me, especially before any encounter. It is therefore left for me to trust in my judgement, trust in my qualities and abilities, thus in my guts and yearning and be responsible. Because really, in the world, hardly no one will give you a chance till u tell them. If you wait for someone else to recognize your abilities and call you out, you may be long behind. YOU WANT TO SHOW THE WORLD YOUR SKILLS AND THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE, BUT NO ONE WILL GIVE YOU THE CHANCE TILL YOU STAND TO THEIR FACE AND TELL THEM YOU CAN DO IT AND YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE BEST. All modesty left aside.

Gemma Fom
21-Jan-08